You’re Not Doing It Right
“You’re Not Doing It Right”
Loving My Mother Through an Unpredictable Caregiving Journey
“You’re Not Doing It Right”: Loving My Mother Through An Unpredictable Caregiving Journey is Ellen’s story of caregiving.
While her experience was her own, she knew it wasn’t unique. Every caregiver has stories of feeling guilty for losing their patience, lashing out, or feeling inadequate.
Assumptions of Caregiving
We make so many assumptions about caregiving–what it is really like, how much we can handle, how the journey will go.
Likewise, we make assumptions about caregivers —that they must be endlessly patient and saint-like; that they can handle it all.
Ellen’s assumptions about every step of the journey with her mom were wrong. Her assumptions about herself and her own capacity during the journey were wrong. And her assumptions about how she was supposed to feel and behave throughout the journey nearly destroyed her.
She hopes to make others feel less alone by sharing her own story.
Are you taking care of a parent or other adult family member?
You’re not alone. Join Ellen in an intimate coaching group designed to help you through this journey with clarity, confidence, and honesty. Learn more.
About the Book
In “You’re Not Doing It Right,” Ellen Patnaude bravely opens the door to the haunting reality of Lewy body dementia (LBD) and unravels its profound impact on families. One of the most common types of dementia after Alzheimer’s disease, LBD is marked by fluctuations in cognition, hallucinations, and motor symptoms. The journey begins with subtle warnings of small changes in her mother’s behavior that worry Ellen’s father, but go unnoticed by the author and her sibling.
Through heartfelt storytelling, Ellen recounts her challenges in addressing the disturbing shifts in her mother’s behavior and managing their long-standing, emotionally charged relationship. The pages unfold with raw honesty, detailing the struggles that ensue when a family is faced with a progressive, life-altering diagnosis. In contrast to the ‘long goodbye’ of Alzheimer’s disease, LBD plunges Ellen and her family into a roller coaster ride from hell. Every emotion is laid bare, from the initial denial to the desperate attempts to help and connect with a loved one slipping away.
Ellen offers invaluable insights and lessons learned in the throes of this heartbreaking journey. With unwavering candor, she reflects on what might have made a difference for herself and her family members and shares the resources that may help other struggling families. She acknowledges the commonality of denial and the universal resistance to accepting a devastating diagnosis, especially when glimpses of normalcy persist. The relentless challenges of caring for someone with any type of dementia often lead to heightened stress, exhaustion, and severe emotional strain on caregivers. In this exploration of love, loss, and resilience, Ellen extends a compassionate hand to those grappling with similar circumstances, offering solace and understanding within the pages of this deeply moving narrative.
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From the Readers of “You’re Not Doing It Right”
Denettte S., Former Caregiver and Regional Bank President
In Ellen Patnaude’s groundbreaking book “You’re Not Doing It Right,” readers are offered a raw, real, vulnerable look at caregiving for an ailing parent. Unlike the typical (and often unhelpful) dementia books that preach unending patience, acceptance, and understanding, Patnaude gives an unfiltered account of the struggles she faces when her already strained relationship with her mother undergoes an impossibly difficult change. This book will resonate with caregivers who are just looking for someone to say, ‘Yes, this absolutely sucks. All your feelings are legit. And most importantly, you aren’t alone.’ She provides hope in the darkness, offering her own hard-won wisdom by sharing what she wishes she would have known when she was wrestling with her own journey. This unconventional and honest memoir is a beautifully written testament to the power of sharing your own story so that others no longer feel alone.
I am writing this testimonial with tears in my eyes because Ellen Patnaude’s memoir touched my heart. “You’re Not Doing It Right” is raw, authentic, and powerful. My wife and I have just been through this same experience with her mom who was tormented by Lewy body dementia and recently died. I resonated with the pain, anger, helplessness, and exhaustion that Ellen bravely portrays. This is a perfect book for caregivers, physicians, health care providers, and families who are dealing with this horrific disease. I was deeply moved by how Ellen was able to take the worst moment in her life and extend so many lessons she learned through this experience. If we had read her memoir before my wife’s mom’s diagnosis, it would have helped us in so many ways.