The weight of all of the “shouldn’t’s” is making my shoulders slump, friends. I’ve been working with a team so heavily entrenched in mistrust and conflict that I’m not sure we started the work in time. I keep hearing, “I shouldn’t say that” or “she shouldn’t be doing that,” but no one is talking directly and openly to each other. The level of resistance to open conversation is exasperating to me as the outsider.
And yet…
How many times have I self-censored about what I “shouldn’t” say, for fear of offending someone, disappointing what I perceive their expectations to be, or making them uncomfortable? Hard conversations are called that for a reason – THEY ARE HARD. But not having them causes burnout.
I wrote about this on LinkedIn a few weeks ago, but it was focused on my caregiving experience. But this week, it’s been one of our kids causing me quiet burnout.
Regardless of what burden you’re carrying around from life outside of work, don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s not affecting your work. It probably is. Don’t go it alone. Lean on your community, and ask for help. It’s the only way we can survive.
I’ve been there.
Running a business. Showing up in the room like I’ve got it all handled, while behind the scenes, I’m managing chaos and tremendous stress, worrying about young adult kids who are making dangerous decisions, and quietly unraveling under the weight of it all.
Being a parent or caregiver never stops.
And the leadership doesn’t pause either.
But here’s what no one tells you:
You’re not burnt out because you’re doing leadership wrong. And no, you’re not doing parenting or caregiving wrong either.
You’re burnt out because you’re carrying too much and pretending you’re not.
Caregiving doesn’t stay in one lane.
It doesn’t matter if your job title says “manager” or “CEO” or “team lead.” You probably didn’t expect that watching your young adult child make very dangerous and potentially harmful decisions would shape your leadership style more than your last management workshop ever could.
Caregiving is the invisible job that creeps into your calendar, your thoughts, and your sleep. It’s the pressure that doesn’t show up on performance reviews, but shapes how you show up everywhere else.
And we rarely talk about it at work, at least not in ways that feel safe.
I’ve coached so many leaders who blame themselves for being tired. Who wonder why they can’t focus. Who think they’re failing when really, they’re just maxed out.
The danger isn’t just burnout, it’s silence.
We try to lead like we’re invincible.
Like the family stuff doesn’t affect us.
Like leadership means pushing through, no matter what.
But the longer we pretend, the more disconnected we get from ourselves, from our teams, and from the kind of leadership that’s actually sustainable.
You can’t lead clearly when your own capacity is underwater.
That’s why we need to start asking better questions.
Not just of others, but of ourselves.
And they are not easy questions to ask, or to answer.
💬 “Who’s depending on me today?”
💬 “Where am I pretending I’m fine just to meet expectations?”
💬 “What support do I need that I’ve been too proud, or too scared, to ask for?”
Better leadership starts with honest conversations.
This isn’t just a personal issue. It’s an organizational one.
When companies ignore the parenting and caregiving realities of their people, they lose connection, performance, and trust.
But when we name it? When we build in space to talk about it? Everything changes.
I’ve led sessions for employee groups and leadership teams where these hidden weights finally get named. And I’ve watched the room shift, shoulders drop, heads nod, people finally exhale.
Because they realize they’re not alone.
And they don’t have to keep pretending.
Let’s make space for what’s real.
👉 If your leaders or employee resource groups are carrying this silent weight, let’s talk about how I can support your next ERG session, leadership retreat, or development-focused workshop.
You already know you can’t pour from an empty cup. I’m here to remind you that you don’t have to carry everything in silence, either.
Strong leadership isn’t about carrying it all. It’s about knowing when to pause, ask better questions, and create space for what’s real.
The way we lead ourselves shapes how we show up for others, and what kind of culture we build.
👉 Download the Reflection Guide for prompts that help you slow down and reconnect with your capacity.
👉 Want support for your next ERG session or leadership workshop? Let’s talk.
Let’s keep the conversation going 👇
🔹 Where are you pretending you’re fine because you think that’s what leadership requires?
Drop me a note and let me know because I’m truly interested. And if you’re ready to stop pretending and start leading from a more honest place, let’s talk.
