When someone I care about is struggling—whether it’s a friend, a family member, or someone I’m coaching—my instinct used to be to jump in with, “How can I help?” It feels like the right thing to say. It feels supportive. But lately, I’ve been rethinking that question. Because sometimes, that question puts the burden right back on the person who’s already struggling. And that’s the last thing I want to do. Turns out, the questions we ask shape the support we give.
What if “How can I help?” is part of the problem?
We mean well when we ask it. “How can I help?” “What can I do?” But it assumes the other person has clarity, capacity, or even the language to tell us what they need—which, when you’re in the thick of it, is often too much to ask. In my work—whether it’s coaching leaders navigating team dynamics, supporting caregivers in elder care, or showing up for my own people in times of chaos—I’ve learned this: Real support doesn’t start with answers. It starts with empathy. And empathy starts with asking better questions.
The power of a better question
We talk a lot about building trust. About psychological safety. About showing up for one another. Better questions are how we get there. They invite honesty. They create space for vulnerability. And maybe most importantly—they show we care enough not to assume we know what someone needs.
Here are some of my go-to swaps. Instead of “How can I help?” — try:
- “What’s feeling the hardest right now?”
- “Is there anything you don’t want to talk about today?”
- “What’s one small thing that would make today easier?”
Those questions don’t demand answers—they offer permission. To be messy. To be human. To be where you are.
For leaders: Your team is carrying more than you know
I don’t need to tell you that stress is high. From professional pressure to personal chaos—people are juggling a lot. Caregiving responsibilities. Burnout. Fear about what’s coming next. Team members might not always ask for support. But they’ll remember how you asked. In coaching sessions, I often remind leaders: Leadership isn’t about having the right answers. It’s about asking the right questions. Questions that open doors instead of shutting people down. Questions that make it okay to not be okay.
Good support isn’t about fixing. It’s about being present. In a recent coaching session, I worked with a brilliant team member who was stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and avoidance. By slowing down and asking the right questions, we uncovered what was really going on. From there, she built a strategy rooted in clarity and confidence—and stepped into her power in a way that changed everything. It’s not magic. It’s not even complicated. It’s about listening. Digging deeper. Not settling for surface-level responses. It’s saying: I see you. I’m with you. Let’s figure this out together.
A better question can change the day
If you’re someone who wants to show up better—at work, at home, in your community—this is one place to start. Not by having the perfect solution. But by asking the kind of questions that create room for truth. Because trust doesn’t come from performance. It comes from presence. And the way we ask matters. Support doesn’t always start with answers. Sometimes, it starts with asking the right question. And the questions we ask shape the support we give.
Conversation time
🔹 What’s one question you’ve been asked that made you feel truly supported?
🔹 Where—at work or in your relationships—are you struggling to connect? Could a better question open something new?
Want to learn more about how I can support you? Let’s talk.
