The world feels rough right now for many of us. Regardless of your politics or views, we need more compassion for each other. If you’re not struggling at the moment, try to keep in mind that so many other people are. Fears and worries about life in general trickle over into the workplace because we’re human. We can try to compartmentalize as much as possible, but at the end of the day, we’re people. We have emotions and feelings. 

This is especially important to keep in mind when we think about giving and receiving feedback. I hope you find this article helpful. It’s the final one in this three-part series about assumptions and how they impact our ability to operate with more clarity. Lean into curiosity and compassion, folks. It helps.

The Feedback We’re Not Giving

A leader I was coaching told me she’d given a member of her team feedback about their communication style.

“How’d it go?” I asked.

“Not great. She got really defensive.”

I asked what she’d actually said.

“I told her she needed to work on her tone in meetings.”

I waited.

“And what did she say?”

“She didn’t really say much. She just stared at me and then said she’d work on it. But come on. She knows she’s coming across as disruptive.”

Does she, though?

Here’s what actually happened: The leader had been stewing for weeks about this person’s direct communication style. She’d built up a whole story about it – how it was affecting the team, how people were afraid to approach her, how it was becoming a real problem.

But she’d never said any of that. She just said “work on your tone” and expected the person to know what she meant.

That’s not feedback. That’s an assumption wrapped in frustration.

Giving feedback is hard and often full of assumptions.

It’s like we’re either avoiding it completely, or racing through it as fast as we can. Here are some of the most common assumptions I’ve noticed when we give feedback. Spoiler alert: none of them help us.

They assume we recognize their intent.

And we do, as long as we stop and think about it for a minute. Do you really think your team member is trying to be mean to other people in that meeting? Do you believe that they have malicious intent? If you do, that needs to be addressed. But if you don’t think their intent is nefarious, try acknowledging that first. This is a place where assuming is a good thing—assume positive intent.

“I assume that you were trying to keep things moving in that meeting. I know you worry about meetings running over and getting off track. Is that a fair assumption?”

When we start by acknowledging that we think their intentions are in the right place, we make our colleagues feel more appreciated. They also might be more willing to acknowledge the next part—impact.

We assume they understand their impact.

“Unfortunately, when you kept cutting people off in the meeting, it shut down the conversation and made people feel like their ideas didn’t matter.”

That’s impact. That’s information they can actually use.

“You need to work on your tone in meetings” without acknowledging their intent or sharing the impact? That just feels like an attack.

We assume they know how to correct it.

Following the intent vs. impact model is a great place to start. But what then? If someone is engaging in a behavior on a regular basis, chances are that it’s a blind spot for them. They probably realize they aren’t getting the results they want, but they may very well not know what to do about it. We can help each other with that.

Once they’ve acknowledged that they had positive intentions, and have recognized the unintended impact they actually had, move to an action plan. What could they do differently that is in line with their positive intentions? How could they engage with team members in a way that clarifies concerns and encourages problem solving? Start by asking them what their own ideas are, and then ask if they’d like some suggestions. If they agree, offer what you can see based on your vantage point.

What matters is making sure the other person leaves the feedback conversation feeling empowered to take the next step. If it just leaves them feeling beaten down, they won’t be able to come back ready to try something new the next time. Feeling criticized or attacked erodes trust, erodes confidence, and leaves people feeling small. That’s not a place from which we can try something new.

We assume one conversation is enough.

No matter how great that feedback conversation went, if we leave it there without ever mentioning it again, we’ve missed an opportunity. 

Ask follow up questions the next time you’re meeting with that person. “Have you been able to try making the changes we talked about? How has it been going? Anything you want to tweak?” 

And if you’ve noticed a change, hold it up for them to see. “I noticed that you really leaned in and engaged more in the last meeting. It seemed like you were getting a better result. How did you feel about it?”

Change happens over time. Behavior is hard to adjust and requires intention. We can all slip into our default modes when stress or pressure take over. Ongoing support from our colleagues is vital to our success.

And then there are the assumptions we make when we receive feedback…

We assume feedback is criticism.

Feedback can feel personal when it’s delivered as an attack. Our defenses go up. We start explaining or justifying instead of listening. But most feedback isn’t about you being bad at your job. It’s about helping you be better at it. (And if it is about you being bad? That’s information you need. Better to know than to assume everything is fine.)

We assume one piece of feedback means everything is wrong.

Someone points out one thing you could improve, and suddenly you’re spiraling into “I’m terrible at this job.” That’s your assumption, not their message. One area for improvement doesn’t negate everything you’re doing well.

We assume we can’t ask any questions.

If you’ve ever learned anything from me, I hope it’s this—ask more questions. It’s always a good idea to ask for agreement first. (“Is it alright if I ask you a few questions about this? I want to make sure I’m really understanding.”) But please don’t assume that you can’t ask.

You can use questions to help you get the kind of feedback that will actually help you. If it’s been delivered as criticism or vague complaints, you know where to start. And you can use the same tactics we talked about above for making it more productive. You could try saying things like…

“That’s an interesting observation. I’m curious to understand more. Can you give me some examples of what you’re seeing?”

“I assume your intention here is to help me learn and grow. But at the moment, I’m struggling to hear this as anything more than an attack. Can you help me understand more about the impact I was having in that moment?”

Lean into curiosity. It’s the number one way to sort our assumptions into fact or fiction.

Bottom line?

Feedback is one of the most powerful tools we have for growth. But only if we’re willing to be clear instead of vague. Specific instead of general. Curious instead of defensive.

Stop assuming people know what you mean when you give feedback. Stop assuming you know what they mean when you receive it.

Acknowledge positive intent. Share impact. Ask questions. Get specific. Follow up.

That’s how feedback actually works. And that’s how we all get better.

This wraps up our three-part series on assumptions and how they harm expectations, accountability, and feedback. The through-line in all of it? Clarity is kindness. Assumptions are expensive.

Choose clarity. Every single time.

Talk soon, Ellen

Want to learn more about how I support and work with clients? Let’s chat. Booking now for spring 2026.