Last week, I had the honor of speaking to over 200 people at the Flint & Genesee Chamber of Commerce luncheon. The topic was “Caregiving Is… Many Things.” By the unusually large number of people who registered in advance for this event, the organizer and I felt affirmed in what we suspected. Far more people are being impacted by caregiving than what we typically discuss. And everyone seems to be looking for real ways to support caregivers.
Who, Me?
I started off with a few questions. I asked anyone who is currently caregiving for an older adult to raise their hand and keep it raised. Then I asked anyone who is a former caregiver to join in. Finally, I asked anyone who can see this in their future to raise their hand. By then, nearly every hand in the room was up.
If you’d asked me in 2016 or before if I’d be my mother’s caregiver, I’d have laughed uncomfortably and then told you no. Emphatically. I didn’t see it coming. And given the contentious relationship my mom and I had, I couldn’t see how it would work. But necessity is the mother of invention. So when it became necessary in 2017, we found a way to make it work.
Assumptions Lead to Shame
I didn’t realize it in the moment (who does?) but I made a LOT of assumptions while I was caregiving. What I also didn’t realize until much later was how those assumptions lead me headlong into a powerful shame narrative. That story kept me from finding peace or any joy through the experience. I’ve had a lot of work to do since my mother’s death in late 2020 to undo those false narratives. Here are some of the assumptions I was making. Do any of them sound familiar to you?
- All forms of dementia are the same. Grandma’s dementia lasted 20+ years and went a certain way, so Mom’s will follow the same path. (Mom had Lewy body dementia, which was a completely different experience and lasted barely four years.)
- To do this the “right” way, I have to be a martyr, without fault, and patient and kind at all times. (And when I wasn’t, I assumed it was because there was something wrong with me and that I was a bad person. And a failure.)
- I can fit caregiving in around my full-time job, raising a family, and life in general. (I couldn’t. The never ending emergencies were completely unexpected. And because I didn’t anticipate them, I again assumed it was due to my own shortcomings.)
- This might be a sad journey, but it won’t be a traumatic experience for me. (Untrue again. I was deeply traumatized. And at the time, I assumed that was also my fault.)
Real Ways to Support Caregivers
I now know none of those assumptions were correct. I also know that my experience was completely normal. But in the midst of it? Everything felt like my fault and a failing. My demented mother telling me that I was doing everything wrong didn’t help, but she was sick. It wasn’t her fault. But in the moment? I believed her.
I’m piloting a program designed to support caregivers who are also working professionals. Living on that Work-Life Seesaw is exhausting, and I want to help. Through a small group coaching program, we’ll explore lots of real ways to support caregivers. If you want to learn more, please visit this link: https://patnaudecoaching.com/caregivers
National Caregivers Day is the third Friday in February, which makes it February 21 this year. I invite you to take a few minutes to reflect on caregiving. If you’re doing it, what would make your experience better/easier? If you’re not doing it, how would you want those around you to support you? We’re all in this together. But it doesn’t get any easier when we don’t act like it.
Want to learn more about how I can support you? Let’s talk.
