We’ve all been there. You need to talk to a close colleague about how they recently handled an interaction during a meeting. It made you uncomfortable. You’re starting to recognize a pattern of behavior from this colleague that’s unproductive. But the idea of saying something fills you with dread.
Why we hesitate
I can’t speak for you, but I hesitate because it’s uncomfortable. My hard-wired nature might make me less conflict-averse than many, but that doesn’t mean I love conflict. I don’t. The idea of making someone else uncomfortable or angry or otherwise shifting the dynamics of our relationship is not something I relish. This is amplified if I think the other person is going to react by turning away from the conversation.
What about you? Why do you hesitate? Is it the fear of conflict? Do you worry about sounding unprofessional? Is the idea of potentially hurting someone else’s feelings the worst part? Or is it something else? The clearer you can get about what’s really holding you back, the easier it is to figure out how to address it.
Don’t be an Avoider
I’ve been working with a leader recently who avoids these conversations completely. She has admitted to me that her strategy is simply to completely disengage. If she’s bothered by someone else’s behavior in a meeting, her laptop becomes the wormhole through which she escapes. Ignoring the other person stops her from being aggravated by them and thus risking speaking up in a way that is poorly received.
What she’s come to realize is the price tag of her behavior. There have been very real consequences for her, such as an erosion of trust with her colleagues. By not engaging, they are perceiving her as disconnected and uninterested. They’ve stopped including her in discussions. She’s gotten a reputation of being a lone wolf. In turn, they’ve disengaged with her.
On the flip side, she’s experiencing isolation and resentment, and it doesn’t feel good. Recognizing that her strategy of disengagement isn’t helping her, but that she’s not sure how to engage in a productive way, led her to ask for help, which led her to work with me. She’s grown tired of the chronic misunderstandings with her peers.
How about you? What have the consequences of avoiding these situations been for you? How is your avoidance affecting trust? What misunderstandings has it caused? How is it making you feel? Again, dig deep. Getting a clear understanding of how it affects you can further your willingness to try something different.
How to start instead
Here are three steps for leaning into these tough conversations.
- Name the discomfort. Yep, just say it. Everyone is thinking it anyway. “This is really awkward and uncomfortable, but I think it’s important to share this with you.”
- Stick to facts, not stories. Base your feedback on what you witnessed, not the assumptions you’re making about what the other person’s actions might mean. Say what you observed: “You interrupted me three times during the meeting.” Avoid bringing in your interpretations: “You don’t respect me.”
- Stay curious, not accusatory. Ask questions that are open-ended and invite discussion. Avoid drawing conclusions about what the other person’s behavior meant. Accusations make people defensive and shuts the conversation down.
Here’s an example:
❌ “You’ve been really disrespectful lately and clearly don’t care about the team.”
✅ “This is a little awkward to bring up, but in the last two team meetings, I noticed you rolled your eyes while I was speaking. That threw me off, and I’d like to understand what’s going on.”
Bottom Line?
There aren’t any magic scripts for this. No perfect words. Addressing uncomfortable situations is, well, uncomfortable. Instead of focusing on the discomfort, think about how invested you are in the working relationship, in your colleague’s success, and in making a better working environment. Sometimes considering the bigger impact can make it a little easier to get started.
Want some help? Reach out.
