“Feedback” has become one of those buzzwords that can be annoying and feel overdone. However, that doesn’t take away the critical importance of both giving and receiving it. Based on what I hear from leaders and team members everywhere, the annoyance comes from the way in which it’s handled. The great news is that we can totally control that part. My mantra on feedback? Give like you want to receive.
An example of what NOT to do
A few years ago, I was working with a handful of leaders from one company. I coached them individually, and also occasionally worked with them as a team. The team leader struggled to understand why her direct reports wouldn’t come to her with more direct feedback. She expressed loads of frustration at hearing it in a roundabout way through the grapevine. Claiming to want to receive it directly, she asked me to pass that message in my coaching with some of her team members. (Having already tried and feeling it wasn’t changing anything.)
When I asked each of her team members about it, they all had the same responses.
“I’ve tried! She reacted very aggressively and attacked me in front of my peers and later in front of my team. No, thank you.”
“She doesn’t really want feedback. Yes, she asked for it, but no one dares. We’ve all seen her take someone’s head off publicly for trying.”
When I asked how she gives feedback, I again got similar responses.
“Like a bullet train.”
“Like a bulldozer. Runs right over you.”
“Not happy until she’s reduced you to tears.”
Things to consider
Your walk needs to match your talk. If you ask for feedback, you must be prepared to take it in, even if you don’t agree. Otherwise, you’re training those around you to always be polite and say what they think will get the least-terrible response. Or, they’ll just start going around you.
Here are a few questions to consider:
What’s your goal in asking for feedback?
What are you hoping to find out?
Is there something specific you’d like feedback about?
The more targeted you can be in what specifically you want feedback on, the more likely you are to get it. In reflecting on those questions, you may discover that you don’t actually really want any feedback. You may realize that, really, you just want people to tell you what you want to hear.
That’s not feedback. That’s getting your ego stroked. Go home for that. It doesn’t belong at work.
Give like you want to receive
You may say you want direct, blunt feedback. But if hearing it makes you defensive, don’t ask for it. And don’t give it. We have to give in the same way we want to receive. And for most of us, that’s being met where we are, being treated with compassion, and hearing things that will help us grow. If that’s not what you’re looking for, you’re not looking for feedback.
